Nonviolent Communication – 4 Steps To Building Better Relationships

Nonviolent Communication.Building better relationships

4 steps.

Building better relationships.

You may not be familiar with what the first two sentences really mean. But if you want to start building better relationships that are based on empathy and honesty, those two mysterious sentences can be the golden ticket to achieving this important goal.

Research has shown that the quality of our relationships is largely responsible for the quality of our life. And if you’ve been suffering because you’ve experienced conflict between you and someone you love and don’t want to lose, you already have a strong reason to keep reading.

 

What is Nonviolent Communication (NVC)?

 

NVC, also known as Compassionate Communication, is a “Language of life”. It is a process that supports partnership and resolves conflict within people, in our relationships, and even in society. It was created by an American psychologist, mediator, author, and teacher, Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.

NVC helps us create relationships that are based on empathy and honesty, on compassion and a desire to give to others from the heart. It aids us in stepping out of the destructive, vicious circles of “victim” and “perpetrator”, of “reward” and “punishment”, and of “right” and “wrong”.

It equips us to step into an empowering, life-affirming circle of compassion, peace and mutual understanding where everyone’s needs can be met. Where relationships can flourish, including our relationship with ourselves.

NVC has been used successfully to mediate between Palestinians and Israelis in conflict areas. It is powerful enough to create peace in virtually any situation.

Why the name, “Nonviolent”? Because NVC considers communication that is based on the ideas of “right” and “wrong”, violent. On the other hand, it calls honest and empathetic communication that is based on a desire to meet everyone’s needs, non-violent.

Labeling each other and each other’s actions along the ideas of “right” and “wrong”, will lead to defensiveness, aggressiveness, and a lack of trust and compassion. We can do this indirectly too, by using closed body language, a disgusted facial expression, or words that imply judgment and evaluation.

Yet, we do this all the time, impulsively, automatically, usually without even noticing. Then we and our partner both lash out at each other or put up walls, and the trust and connection between us are lost.

People, who are passionate about practicing NVC and non-violence often complain about the increasing amount of violence in the world. They judge their own anger, don’t accept it as something that’s natural, necessary and even beneficial.

Like Marshall did, they might have been grown up in a violent family or neighborhood. At some point, they decided to eliminate violence from their lives because of the traumatic events they’ve experienced, or for spiritual, or for other reasons.

With such an emphasis on expressing a part of ourselves that we label as acceptable, at the expense of expressing others, those denied parts of us will become our shadows. They will rob us of our wholeness, our natural, wild, primal side, adaptability, and full personal power.

I’ve chosen to embrace, love and express all aspects of my personality that I might be feeling resistance against in the moment. If I need to set boundaries and cut cords with people who are disrespectful or abusive, I’ll often choose to do that instead of attempting to use NVC. I’ll still do this, even though I’ve been practicing Nonviolent Communication since 2006, I understand NVC inside-out, and I was even teaching it at some point.

I don’t react to people anymore with negative emotions like I used to do. I’m more accepting and neutral towards people’s unconscious attempts to trigger negative emotions in me and I don’t take advantage of any mistakes they make or weakness they show. I can just confidently make requests to others often without having to express my underlying feelings and needs. For these reasons, I haven’t had to use NVC more than a few times in recent years. I haven’t been in a relationship for a while, but if you are, or have children and a family, NVC is going to make a tremendous difference in your life.

Expressing my anger and setting boundaries is something I’ve had to work harder on than most people do, because of difficult childhood experiences. I am grateful for my anger and wouldn’t judge or resist it if expressing it can truly serve me.

But if we deny them, these parts will become our subconscious shadows and we’ll have a distorted view about them. We can easily start projecting our own denied anger and violence into the world and begin seeing it everywhere in the world around us.

“But violence is obviously at an all-time high in the world, isn’t it?” – you are probably saying now. “Just turn on the news. Violence is flowing from everywhere!”

If you’re addicted to watching the news on the television and believing everything that they are saying there, this could be a huge shock for you.

Professor Steven Pinker has documented how the amount of violence and terrorism in the world has reached an all-time low in human history. The newspapers and news channels will do their best to try and convince you of the contrary. If they can’t come up with enough horrible incidents that grab the reader’s attention, they’ll go out of business. They speak with authority and we tend to believe them without questioning the false reality they are pulling over our eyes.

It’s a fact that our external world is more peaceful than ever. But the amount of subtle violence we express towards ourselves and others has hardly changed throughout history.

When we make mistakes we beat ourselves up and give the same treatment to others too. We judge and label our unacceptable desires. We criticize other people too, if we consider them, or what they do, wrong.

We might only do it in our heads as we want to remain polite, but there is a war going on within our minds. And this inner conflict is reflected in our relationships and our society too.

The cause of this lack of love towards ourselves and others is limiting beliefs. Beliefs, like “I’m not good enough”, “Mistakes and failure are bad”, I’m not important, worthy or competent, and others. These limiting beliefs can prevent us from expressing empathy and honesty in our relationships and they prevent us from finding fulfillment there. I’m going to address this in an upcoming article that will introduce you to how you can use Nonviolent Communication and interact with people at a whole new, conscious level.

 

Nonviolent Communication’s 4 Steps

 

NVC is composed of 4 simple steps. These are:

  1. Observing. We learn how to observe others’ behavior that contributed to our feelings, without judgments and evaluations. (Observation=You haven’t washed up after yourself 4 times this week. Evaluation/judgment=You always leave a mess behind in the kitchen.)
  2. Feeling. We get in touch with what we are really feeling in the moment, making sure we avoid talking about what we think. (Feeling=I’m feeling annoyed. Thinking=I feel that you are disrespectful.)
  3. Needs. We identify our unmet needs and values that are contributing to our feeling. (e.g.: I need respect, or I need orderliness.) To learn what universal human needs are and how they work, read this article. I’ve created a comprehensive cheat sheet for you about human needs. You can access it here.
  4. Request. After successfully completing the first 3 steps our partner is able to hear how we feel and what we need, we then make a request to them to help us meet our needs. Talking about what we do want instead of what we don’t want is important. Just like mentioning concrete actions that our partner can do in the present moment, using clear language. (e.g. instead of making the vague request, “Could you please stop ignoring me when you get back home from work?”, we can ask, “Could we keep the TV turned off when you come back home and spend half an hour together to talk about how we are feeling and what would help us be more fulfilled in this relationship?” We do this without expecting them to comply with our request, and without applying pressure or threatening them with consequences. If we do any of those, it’s a demand, not a request, and we risk breaking the trust and empathy in the relationship.
  5. Empathize. As an ever-present bonus step, we can always choose to empathize with the feelings and needs of our partner if they resist anything we say to them. When they start to feel that we genuinely care about them, they’ll find it easier to begin to reciprocate.

 

NVC In Action

 

Imagine that you’re a parent and you’ve just arrived home from work, tired. Your teenage child has left the dirty dishes in the sink again, for the third time this week. You want to prepare some dinner and use the sink, but you can’t, because the dirty dishes are in the way.

Building better relationships

You’re feeling annoyed and are about to say with a raised voice, “You always leave the dirty dishes in the sink! I work so hard and you can’t even do the washing up! Do you expect me to do it? Come here and wash them up right now or I swear to God, you won’t eat anything tonight!”

But then you remember these four steps and your desire to end the constant arguments with your child.

So you take a deep breath and notice how you’re feeling. There’s a great deal of annoyance in you.

You wonder what unmet needs are behind you feeling annoyed. You realize you want to receive support with providing for the family, a fair share of housework, respect towards each other using the same space, and cleanliness and orderliness as well.

What’s a clear, concrete request you can make to your child that he can do right now? You decide to improvise on that part later and instead empathize with your child first.

“He’s probably feeling bored and maybe even disgusted by the idea of washing up after himself,” you think. He needs to feel both being rewarded for and having fun doing the dishes. “Maybe if he listened to his favorite music while doing them, he’d find it more bearable,” you think. “And if he got to choose what the dessert should be next time every time he washed up the dishes, he’d be more motivated to do it.”

It’s taken you months of practice to be able to identify all of these. You tap yourself on the shoulder for choosing to commit to learning how to identify your feelings and needs. In the beginning, you made a lot of mistakes and you couldn’t resolve conflicts straight away. But you always learned something and kept improving with the help of those inevitable mistakes.

You know it’s been worth it because you now have another option instead of impulsively starting to communicate in the old, hurtful way. You can become mindful, connect with your purest intent and apply what you’ve been practicing day, after day.

There are more trust and mutual understanding between you and your child. And you know that this is just the beginning of something much deeper and more wonderful between the two of you that is yet to unfold.

You’re now feeling confident to talk to him.

“Darling, you’ve promised to wash the dishes after yourself. This is the third time this week you haven’t done the dishes. I’m feeling very tired and annoyed, because I want us to respect that we both need to use the same place and keep it tidy, I want a fair share of the housework, and I need you to help me. You’ve said that you don’t like doing the washing up. Would you be willing to do it now if you could bring your favorite music with you to the kitchen and could decide what dessert we will have tomorrow?“

Can you see that your chances of meeting your needs and your son’s needs are much higher by using NVC?

For good measure, the example above gives you extra value by also adding techniques of conscious parenting to it.

 

How To Overcome Obstacles In Applying Nonviolent Communication?

 

First of all, you’ll need to have a good understanding of the theory behind NVC and its process. I’ve given you an introduction to Nonviolent Communication so you can get inspired to create happier relationships. For further study, I recommend reading Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication, A Language Of Life and Lucy Liu’s Companion Workbook. You can also learn about NVC by watching this comprehensive YouTube video about NVC with Marshall Rosenberg, here:

After you’ve got the knowledge you need to get started, fears can still be blocking your way. Fears of failure, of making a mistake, a fear of rejection. These fears are caused by our limiting beliefs, such as “If I make a mistake or fail, I’ll be rejected”, “I’m not capable”, “What makes me good enough is having people think well of me or doing things perfectly”. In an upcoming video/article, I’ll address how limiting beliefs can prevent you from using Nonviolent Communication. The video will help you to understand and overcome these limiting beliefs that are crippling us in every area of our lives, not just in practicing NVC. In future articles I’ll show you how to make NVC more conscious, naturally flowing, empowering and growth-centered; how to overcome its innate limitations.

If you’d like to hear what Marshall Rosenberg says about his early days, months and years of struggling to master NVC, jump to 1:25:09 in his video above. He didn’t start out as a master, and neither will you. The funny story he’ll share will help you to commit to years of practicing NVC within your family.

You cannot improve your skills without making mistakes. Mistakes are your natural stepping stones to success, your opportunities to learn and do things even better. Because being willing and happy to make mistakes is not a sign of weakness, but of a determination to grow, succeed, and enjoy the process.

Again, if you’ve been suffering because you’ve experienced conflict between you and someone you love and who you don’t want to lose, you now have a strong reason to begin practicing NVC every day. Starting now, until you master it and you can keep building better relationships with it. Within months, you’ll gain the confidence to gracefully navigate the conflicts that used to frighten you and leave you isolated, neglected and rejected.

Remember in the video above, how Marshall overcame the initial learning period until he became a master? You can do this too. You can create the fulfilling relationships you’re longing for.

And remember: knowledge is not power. We need to apply what we’ve learned. What concrete steps are you going to take right now, to begin practicing Nonviolent Communication and start building better relationships? Share it below in the comments!

Thank you for the time you’ve taken to read this article. I appreciate you being here. If you’ve found this article valuable, please share it with someone who can benefit from it!

 

 

 

 

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How To Overcome Limiting Beliefs In Your Family?

So you`ve read my how limiting beliefs affect our perception article and now you want to know how to overcome limiting beliefs in your family? Good!

Even if you haven`t read that article, keep reading, because in a minute I`m going to uncover again how limiting beliefs disempower us.

But first, let me tell you an inconvenient truth. Overcoming limiting beliefs is a losing battle for most people.

This is because most people stuck in their busy lives form new limiting beliefs at a faster rate than they eliminate the old ones. Unless they`re committed to getting rid of them in a proven and effective way, that is.

Then why not bring their relentless onslaught to a halt first, cutting off their supply?

So that you can deal effectively with the army of limiting beliefs that`s already wreaking havoc behind your gates?

And by this, I mean preventing new limiting beliefs from forming while you`ve got more breathing space to overcome limiting beliefs within you and in your family.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Like anyone else, you`ve probably already formed a number of limiting self-esteem beliefs in your childhood. The damage has already been done. But don`t worry. I`ll show you how you can reverse it and turn yourself into a mighty belief whisperer.

There are those around you though whose minds are still a relatively empty slate. Your children, grandchildren, students, nephews, nieces, the children you might meet on your walks.

Any child whose life you can possibly touch and become their hero. Their wise Master Yoda.

Strong with them, the Force will be. Defeat the dark side, together, you will.

how to overcome limiting beliefs in your family

How Limiting Beliefs Disempower Our Children

Imagine two small children, Sarah and Katie.

Sarah has formed the beliefs, “I`m not good enough”, “I`m not important”, “I`m not worthy”, “If I make a mistake or fail, I`ll be rejected”, “I`m not capable”, “Men are violent”, “What I want and need don`t matter”.

Katie, however, has formed these beliefs: “I`m good enough”, “I matter” “I`m deserving”, “If I make a mistake or fail, I know I`m learning and improving”, “I`m capable”, “Men can be trusted”, “What I want and need are important”.

Now imagine these children standing in front of you. Do you notice any difference in the way they stand? The way they look at you? The way they talk? Sure you do!

Katie will hold her head high, feet wide apart, hands on her hips, smiling while looking into your eyes and talking with a loud voice.

Sarah will stand with ankles tightly crossed, arms tight at the sides, shoulders hunched, breathing shallowly, looking at her feet while muttering something you can`t really understand.

Now let`s test them in a couple of different scenarios. Imagine how each of the girls will behave.

In sixth grade, they have to give a presentation in front of the entire classroom. Which one of them is ready for the challenge and which girl wants to hide behind her chair, shaking, and getting pale?

Who is more likely to step up against bullies, or ask for help? Who is more likely to be bullied in the first place because they show weakness?

In college, who`s going to be more susceptible to bad influence from their peers? Who is more likely to end up in a gang, using drugs, and committing crimes?

Later in life, at the workplace, who will go for the promotion?

Who will become a role model and make a positive contribution to the lives of others around them?

Who is going to enjoy social interactions more?

Which girl will end up being in a more fulfilling relationship?

And who will be likely to neglect her health more, stuff down her emotions by binge eating? Who is more likely to get fat, bitter, lonely and miserable?

Now think of the small children in your own life. Imagine how their lives would be different from Sarah`s if they never formed beliefs that she and most children do.

Beliefs, like “I`m not good enough”. “I`m not important”. “Mistakes are bad”, and many others.

Imagine what would be possible for them without limiting beliefs like these holding them back. If they didn’t have to deal with self-defeating thoughts, fear of what others think of them, being afraid of failure and the unknown.

Because you’ve managed to overcome limiting beliefs in your family and in the children whose lives you`ve touched.

You can make it so that they almost never form these beliefs and experience these painful challenges and crippling limitations that you and most other people today have. And you yourself can stop forming new limiting beliefs while you also commit to unlearning your existing ones.

Let`s see first what the enemy we are dealing with, looks like; how we form limiting beliefs.

Then we can think of ways to stop limiting beliefs from forming so we can help create freedom for our children and ourselves.

 

The Anatomy Of A Monster

 

John was 4 years old, and he was just like any other kid. He enjoyed playing and exploring the world more than anything else. He wanted to do those things all day long.

“Johnny!!! The dinner`s getting cold! How many times do I have to ask you to come?” John heard his mother screaming.

“I want to continue playing, but she`s angry with me now” he thought as he began feeling the butterflies in his stomach.

“Maybe if I pretend I didn`t hear her and keep playing just a bit longer…” he thought.

“John!!! What`s wrong with you? Can`t you ever do what I say?!”

John knew that he was in trouble and he started sweating. “What`s going to happen when I go to see her? Is she going to punish me, or worse?…”

It`s happened countless times before. Day after day, after day, in fact. She would become cold towards him and then he`d feel alone, unloved and just horrible.

He kind of got used to it by now. He expected now to be criticized and rejected all the time. In the back of his mind, there was this constant lingering feeling now that he was just not good enough.

He didn`t begin his life this way though. But he didn`t even remember feeling any different anymore.

This feeling of not being good enough kept following him everywhere, like a shadow. Wherever he looked, he could see and feel that he was not good enough.

John`s mom and dad were often critical of him. Whenever Johnny didn`t do what they wanted him to do, when and how they wanted him to do it, they felt annoyed or upset.

They rarely, if ever hit Johnny. By being irritated, they withdrew their love from him, but that was more than enough. In fact, it felt as harsh as the hardest beating to his young soul.

how to overcome limiting beliefs in your family

Love is a fundamental human need. Without our parents giving us their love, we wouldn’t be able to survive as children. Parents are either loving or annoyed, but can’t be both. So during those eternally long moments of being rejected the little Johnny would be literally just as scared as if he was going to die.

His other needs were not met either. He suddenly lost his sense of certainty that he could survive. His parents didn`t care about what he wanted: his need for significance was not met either. He wanted to grow, and experience variety, instead of the boring routine of eating his dinner, or whatever their parents expected from him at the time, unreasonably.

I`m saying unreasonably because most parents haven`t studied developmental psychology and effective parenting skills. They certainly never thought about how to overcome limiting beliefs in their family. They believe their children should behave like little adults, by being quiet, neat, and tidy, that they are developmentally incapable of doing. They think their children should know that the milk goes sour if you leave it outside and that they should learn this fact immediately.

Children are incapable of behaving according to most parents` expectations, and the parents, in turn, will get annoyed, upset or angry. They will often leave their child`s needs unmet.

All of these unmet needs have consequences. John was experiencing a range of painful negative emotions, from fear to sadness, frustration, and anger as a result.

Like all children, John was constantly trying to understand why things in his world were happening. Especially such painful and frightening events that kept happening day after day.

Eventually, he figured, “If my parents keep criticizing me, I guess I`m not good enough”. “And if I`ve always got so much trouble getting their attention, I guess I`m not important.”

He loved and respected his parents. They gave life to him, they seemed to know everything about the world and they were powerful. They were like gods to him.

His life depended on them, so they mustn`t have been wrong, mistaken or crazy. Not, if he wanted to believe with every fiber of his being, that he was safe with them and that he could continue staying alive.

And he deeply, and fundamentally wanted all of these.

Like all children of his age, he lived in an egocentric worldview, convinced that everything was about him in the world. He had no other choice than to take everything personally.

So the one who was wrong could only be him, and not his parents.

Feeling that he is somehow not good, competent or important enough didn`t threaten him with as much certainty of death as being left at the mercy of two confused, ignorant fools who didn`t know what they were doing. In his innocent, naïve unconscious mind, this was how it occurred to him. And thus he formed his first limiting self-esteem belief.

 

How Do Our Children Form Beliefs Based On What We Do?

 

Have you, or a parent you know, ever been on the phone when their child ran up to them and said something like: “You must come and see the rose I`ve just folded from paper!” – just to get the response, “Not now, can`t you see I`m on the phone?”

The child would lose their excitement and walk away disappointed and sad.

When we don`t express to them that they are just as important to us as a phone call with someone else, they feel insignificant, not wanted and needed.

If this keeps happening, what beliefs do you think they will eventually form about themselves?

Most likely, they`ll start to believe “I`m not important”. Soon they will expect to be treated this way and their natural confidence and excitement to share their accomplishments will be gone.

If we keep shouting at and punishing our children when they don`t come to the dinner table and the food gets cold, they will become afraid of disappointing people.

What beliefs will they form eventually if we constantly express our annoyance when they don`t do the things we want them to do when we want them to do?

“I`m not good enough.” “Nothing I do is ever good enough.” “What makes me good enough or important is having people think well of me.”

Now would be a great opportunity to put what you`ve learned here about human needs into practice.

In the first example, can you guess what need of the child was not being met, primarily?

I`ve heard you saying the need for significance, right? Good.

She didn`t feel needed, valued, important. When our needs are not being met is when we feel painful emotions, and form limiting beliefs. So watch out for your child`s unmet needs that your behavior may cause and be prepared to meet them.

The more often you can catch this, the more often you can prevent your child from forming a limiting belief. The more successfully you`ll gradually overcome limiting beliefs in your family.

how to overcome limiting beliefs in your family

The good news is that beliefs almost never form after one painful event, except if it the event is severely traumatic, such as when someone gets killed or mutilated.

Which gives you more freedom to let a couple of these occasions slip if you manage to keep the majority of your interactions with your child filled with care, respect, compassion, awareness, and dignity.

If you’ve read my article about human needs, you remember that the master key to fulfilling all needs at a high level is to always focus on meeting our need for contribution first and foremost.

What I`m going to share with you now is a powerful and elegant shortcut to empowering your children and bypassing their limiting beliefs.

After they have grown up, your children can’t expect others to meet their needs, like their parents used to meet them. Yet, this expectation remains with almost all of us, at least during times of stress and uncertainty. This is what`s going to trigger the unstoppable stream of our negative thoughts and limiting beliefs.

To help our children avoid falling into this trap, we must create a mindset of contribution in them. We must empower them to pursue their talents and passions and to find a way to serve others with them.

Because when we are in the mode of unconditional giving, we ca’t be in the same dependent, stressful, childlike state where we are afraid of people judging and rejecting us and withdrawing from us. That’s what our parents used to do and what we are still afraid of, but ONLY if we remain in that dependent mode, expecting others to consider, to love, to respect and appreciate us.

The unconditionally giving adult state repels limiting beliefs, because it’s the opposite of the dependent childlike state in which the limiting beliefs were originally formed.

Have you noticed that your limiting beliefs don’t get triggered all the time? This is because the context in which they were formed and the limiting beliefs themselves are inseparable. They can only be triggered together.

So pull the damn carpet out from under them by focusing on contribution! And when you’re already living and breathing it, only can you teach your children how to free themselves too by the time they grow up. Because they will learn from what you do and not from what you say.

how to overcome limiting beliefs in your family

 

Are You Willing To Pay The Price?

“You can’t make your kids do anything. All you can do is make them wish they had. And then, they will make you wish you hadn’t made them wish they had.”
― Marshall B. Rosenberg

You take the time to patiently explain, to ask about their wants, and desires, to respect and acknowledge their feelings and needs, and you give them options. You consciously and diligently practice noticing when you violate these and learn about how to become more fulfilled in your interactions with others as well.

In our example with the telephone, the following is one way to prevent your child from feeling insignificant and forming the belief “I`m not important”.

When she runs up to you and requires your attention, you recognize this pattern, and immediately make it a priority to meet your child`s need for significance while also making sure that you respect the needs of everyone else involved.

You might also want to nurture the trust and connection that`s already there between you and the person on the other side of the line. Therefore you won`t just start talking to your child without first letting the person know that you need to stop talking with him for a moment.

As you are attempting this for the first time, you will probably notice negative thoughts, meanings popping into your head.

Thoughts, like “I`m going to mess it up”, “They`re going to judge me and get mad at me” or “This little idiot should learn where her place is”.

These are meanings we give to what`s going on and they cause negative emotions. They will prevent us from staying present with a loving intention of empowering everyone in the situation.

If you find that this is a problem for you, head over to this article that teaches you how to get rid of these negative meanings and emotions. After completing the challenge there, you`ll be better able to observe everything without distortions and impulsive reactions.

The following is Shelly Lefkoe`s advice for the situation with the telephone, from her book The Guide To Effective Parenting. It can be as simple as saying, “Could you hold it for a minute?” – while you cover the mouthpiece and look directly at your child and say:

“I`m really sorry I can`t listen to you right now because I know that`s important to you, but I`ll real soon”, to meet her need for significance and for certainty too, that she can count on you. Then you promise her that you`re going to talk to her right after you`ve finished talking on the phone. Make sure you keep your word.

Shelly says that your child might still be disappointed, but she will never conclude that she`s not important. If you keep your word, she`ll likely conclude the opposite: “I`m important”, “What I have to say is important”, “People can be trusted”.

Shelly is the wife of the late Morty Lefkoe, who was the foremost expert at eliminating limiting beliefs (he still is). She wrote an ebook that describes in great detail how we can prevent our children from forming limiting beliefs. I believe if every single person on the planet read that ebook and put its teachings into practice, we would soon create heaven on earth. That`s why I`m going to put the link to purchase the ebook here (Disclaimer: NOT an affiliate link, I`m not getting compensated for this).

If raising children who are free from conditionings and limitations, so that they can be happy and fulfill their full potential, is important to you, you owe them and yourself to buy the book right now (for a measly $5.95).

how to overcome limiting beliefs in your family

I hope you`re not into quick fixes because then this article is not for you. You can`t learn these extremely valuable skills overnight. The price of admission is consistent, committed, lifelong practice and gratitude for every hard-earned improvement in your life, in your relationships.

 

Change Is NOT Always Difficult And Slow Though

 

If you want to be able to become more present with your children without reacting to them with annoyance, there`s an easy and permanent solution that I`ve tested myself and I`m grateful to be able to present to you now.

I`m talking about Morty Lefkoe`s Natural Confidence course.

During his 30 years of working with over 10.000 clients, Morty identified all the commonly shared limiting self-esteem beliefs. These are the beliefs that are behind almost all negative emotions we experience, including the ones that get triggered around our children and cause so much damage.

These beliefs also cause our fear of what others will think of us, our fear of speaking in public, us trying to please people, procrastinating, even overeating, and more.

I`ve done his course and easily let go of the 19 limiting self-esteem beliefs and 4 conditionings in it. It`s made me more confident, and I`ve stopped worrying about what people think of me. If you saw my first YouTube video I recorded a week ago, you can see that I am pretty confident speaking in front of the camera too. Mind you, I didn`t use to be like this at all and this change is a large part due to me taking his course.

Considering that I`ve got less than an hour of public speaking experience giving one minute long improvised speeches at Toastmasters public speaking events, and also struggling with social anxiety for decades, this is rock solid proof of how effective his method is.

But don`t just take my word for it, because 2 independent research studies at the University of Arizona have proven that the Lefkoe Method is effective at getting rid of beliefs. No other such program I know can say the same thing.

Other experts, such as Jack Canfield, Marci Shimoff, Paul Scheele, Joe Vitale, Steve Pavlina, and other huge names in the personal development industry have transformed their lives with the Lefkoe Method too.

I want every single person on this planet to go through this course and become free of limitations, and that`s why I`m including an affiliate link to his course in this article. His course has worked for me wonderfully, it has worked for over 10.000 people, and it has even helped these experts who are already 10/10 on the personal development scale. They`ve all left amazing testimonials for Morty as you`ll see.

Morty even gives a 1 entire year of money-back guarantee so you`ve got nothing to lose. The method works for everyone, but there’s the odd person who doesn’t follow the instructions or misunderstands them and then it doesn`t work for them. A small percentage of the comments under his course are clear signs of this, and frankly, anyone could make such mistakes. You, however, will be protected from them by the 1-year guarantee AND by my special gift to you.

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Have you ever said, “If only…”

If only I were smarter…
If only I had more education…
If only I’d worked harder when I was younger…
If only I was more good-looking…
If only I hadn’t passed up so many opportunities…
If only I… (you fill in the blank)

…then I’d be more successful.

Of course, deep down inside you know these are just excuses. Your limiting beliefs are creating them. These thoughts are NOT who you really are.

When you are willing to give up your “if onlys” and really live, be lovingly present with your children and those that matter to you, and make a real difference in their lives, click the link below to reserve your access to Natural Confidence.

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Posted in Archives, Beliefs and Meaning, Emotions, Happiness, Human Needs, Popular Favorites, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Limiting Beliefs – How Do Our Beliefs Create Reality?

Limiting beliefsI`ve written this article because most people can`t really imagine how a limiting belief actually affects their perception.

Most people who are into personal development can conceptualize or intellectualize it.

What they are aware of is the conscious meaning they give to their current, past or imagined situation; not their core beliefs.

Those are meanings and not beliefs. I`m not talking about meanings here.

We`re dealing with the giants of the depth here: unconscious beliefs.

The huge monsters lurking underneath that create the small ripples of limiting thoughts on the surface that we become conscious of.

Yes, you can probably feel the emotional impact a thought has on you in the moment.

You might even feel subtle changes in your muscle tension and breathing and what your meanings and beliefs are drawing your attention to.

But the radical contrast and breathtaking paradigm shift in our worldview that occurs at the sudden stripping away of a deeply rooted belief, eludes most.

Yet, this is the enlightening moment when the whole picture reveals itself.

It is a true wake up call, a triumph and major milestone for us, who are seekers of the truth.

If this is you, I invite you to make yourself comfortable and listen, because I`m going to tell you a story about a king…

 

The King Reborn

 

I`d like you to imagine now that you are this king. Your father has suddenly died in a hunting accident and you are the young new king of a large, medieval kingdom. You are only 6 years old and have absolutely no idea how to lead your kingdom.

You’re feeling anxious and uncertain now and you are needing help to know what everything means in this new environment.

As you think this, your trusted advisors appear next to you to help explain you what things mean and how to relate to them so that your decisions cause no harm to the kingdom.

Their expertise is beyond question.

They’ve been in your court for as long as you remember and they used to advise your father too before he died.

Your advisors are telling you that the neighboring kingdom is up to no good and that you have to attack them.

And so you give the orders to attack them. Justice will be done. You feel good about yourself.

There’s another kingdom that your advisors are telling you to form an alliance with. They could help you against your new enemy. So you meet their king with your advisors by your side to negotiate and build an alliance with them.

You learn from your advisors which nations to like and which ones to dislike.

You learn from them too that your kingdom doesn’t have enough resources and you’ll have to conquer other nations to get these. You learn that there is scarcity, that riches are hard to gain and that you can`t trust other kingdoms.

They teach you the right way to think about what your kingdom is capable of, what it’s worth and what to think about other kingdoms so that you won’t make mistakes as a ruler.

There is the occasional opposition to your decisions from members of the aristocracy. Your advisors tell you that this is treason and punishable by death. So you get everyone executed who would challenge your decisions and the opinions of your advisors.

You manage to maintain the order and integrity of the kingdom.

In the last few months you’ve formed a clear understanding of the world you live in, about the role of your kingdom in it and the good and the bad in the world.

You trust your advisors without question and all seems to be going well for a while.

But then you hear a rumor from someone you trust that the treasury is empty.

And that a new, looming danger is on the horizon: a powerful, evil kingdom has mobilized its forces and their army is approaching your kingdom.

Suddenly a man storms in to the throne room to meet you. The guards have let him through.

You recognize him: he’s your father’s best friend and right hand who accompanied him on his final hunt.

As he catches his breath, he explains to you that he was kidnapped by the assassins who killed your father and has managed to escape from captivity.

“It was not a hunting accident. An enemy of our kingdom wanted to weaken us by assassinating the king. They had put their agents, your own royal advisors in place before you were born. Your father was more headstrong and didn`t always follow their suggestions. But you, a young child could easily become their puppet.” – he says to you, and you feel your world turning upside down.

He explains to you how everything they`ve taught you was not real. Often the very opposite of it was true. They even falsified history and recent news to make it consistent with their agenda.

It only served their purposes to slowly bleed out the once mightiest kingdom in the continent. To keep it in a constant state of internal conflict and struggle. To make it vulnerable for an eventual attack by the enemy.

With the web of their lies destroyed, you can finally see clearly.

A completely different configuration of events, players and opportunities suddenly becomes crystal clear to you.

You now know that you can ask for help, because the world is not the scary place you thought it to be.

You know that you are capable of making this kingdom greater than it has ever been.

Your old worldview has suddenly vanished from your mind almost without a trace. It feels like being a completely new man, reborn as a lion. Ready to roar.

You, with the royal guard and the old king`s right hand behind you, cut down all of those impostors, one after the other.

You take charge of the situation with clarity and confidence. You act on the opportunities you can see, that have always been there, to make you prosperous, powerful and victorious. You`ve recognised your kingdom`s massive potential.

There`s no holding you back now.

 

What happened after that is a story for another time.

However, if you`re feeling fired up to cut down the impostors in your own mind, hang on, I`ve got your back here.

Scroll down to the bottom of the article and continue reading from the last headline, called “How To Get The Film Out Of The Projector?”.

Shiny plates of armor and weapons made of the best steel await you there.

The rest of the article will be here waiting for you after you`re done with the dirty task 😉

 

What Does This Teach Us About Beliefs?

 

The king was 6 years old when his advisors taught him what the world and his kingdom was like. What the right and wrong behavior is.

By the time we are 6, we usually have formed our limiting self-esteem beliefs with the help of our own advisors: our parents.

Do you remember, those advisors were the same who taught his father too? Beliefs are passed on from generation to generation like this.

 

Old Metaphor, New Explanation

 

Our beliefs are like the film in a projector. We are completely absorbed in the film we see on the screen and we identify with the story, with our favorite character fully. We are unaware of anything that`s creating this story inside the projector.

But when we remove the film, we`ll only see the lit surface of the screen.

It might be a cinema screen or a wall.

It will lose its hypnotic qualities and we can become aware that what we`ve been staring at is only a neutral object.

A wall, a cinema screen, a canvas, a human walking in the way of the light, whatever.

But we`ll suddenly also become aware of ourselves too. We sit up in our chair and we can finally observe what is in front of us without being lost in the story.

This is exactly how beliefs are constantly distorting our everyday reality.

We are always watching a movie without a moment`s break, even while meditating.

Our meditation experience, of why we are doing it and what our experiences mean, are often part of the movie too.

When we are under the influence of limiting beliefs, it`s like you, the king in this story blindly trusting that what your advisors say is true, real, proven and wise advice.

Your advisors are your limiting beliefs in your head that you trust without question.

Thoughts you consider to be real.

You believe these thoughts, like you believe the movie you see, and they create emotions in you the exact same way.

You even seem to have all the evidence to back those beliefs up. Evidence, that was created by those beliefs themselves so they could remain under cover.

 

Beliefs Are Stubborn – Why?

 

Because they are not there to set you free. They are there to perpetuate themselves and meet their own agenda.

That is, to keep you in a habitual state of mind, state of emotion, a distinct feeling that you have recognised as “you”.

This “you” you can describe with these beliefs you have about yourself.

But who are you really?

 

This is the same as your idea of your kingdom in this story. The king reborn could feel the glory, value and limitless potential of his kingdom.

His false perception of it had led it into a downward spiral and kept it in constant struggle for resources.

But once he got rid of his beliefs and expectations, the solution and his own power to handle the challenge naturally appeared for him.

 

Another Story

 

Just like the historical Buddha, our king was surrounded by lies about the “identity” of his kingdom and he had a distorted view of the world around him too.

The Buddha was born a prince.

They removed all signs of aging, illness and suffering from his reality and kept him in a bubble that didn`t let any of these in. They only allowed only healthy, young and beautiful people to be around him.

Finally, when he escaped from the court, and he met an elderly, a sick and a dead person, he realised that he had lived among lies.

Like our king in this story, he began to question the reality of everything, including his own thoughts and beliefs.

The illusion we all live in was made more obvious to him and this drove him to find the truth. He was very lucky in this sense.

 

Now It`s Your Turn

 

Can you make it real for yourself that you`ve been under the influence of a similar illusion as he and our kings was?

An illusion that`s been created by the film in the projector of your mind?

That you`ve had a distorted perception of what your worth is, how good, deserving, important and lovable you are?

Of what the world, men and women, and other people are like?

And of what you need to have that will make you happy and successful and what things really mean if you don`t give them a meaning?

If you want to become free from story you`ve been absorbed in, at the very least, you must do this one thing:

 

Don`t Ever Believe A Thought You Think!!!

 

Your thoughts are the king`s impostor advisors and they are constantly creating a false perception of reality.

If they cause you negative emotions or feelings, it`s a clear sign that they have the agenda of your limiting beliefs, of the large evil kingdom in the story.

From another perspective they are only trying to protect you. But what they are trying to protect you from, from you really feeling that you are not good, important or lovable enough, Is Not True!

Here`s an article that will help you deal with your conscious limiting thoughts; the negative meanings you give to events.

 

While we still have our unconscious beliefs, we can only imagine how we`d perceive the world without them.

But our imagination can`t open up our minds to see the entire screen and movie theatre, because wherever we look, the projector will keep projecting its current film on the chairs and walls around us.

That film has been playing for a while. It has been reeled halfway through and it`s difficult to remove immediately.

In other words that story has momentum.

 

How To Get The Film Out Of The Projector?

 

There are many ways, but now I`ll show you just one easy way to do it.

 

  1. Choose a limiting belief that you have, about anything in your life that you feel is holding you back. I`ll make one up as an example: “I`m stuck in a job that I don`t like.”
  2. Pick something empowering that you want to believe instead. Something that would make your life more wonderful and the first belief untrue. Something like “I can enjoy the work I do”.
  3. Create a text document in your smartphone (or use a paper notebook) with the original belief and the one you want to change it to. Look for and write down the evidence that supports this new empowering belief every time it happens during the day. Things that you have done or that have happened to you.
  4. Do those things consistently that back your new belief up and try to recreate the events too, deliberately. Identify these things from the list of evidence you wrote down. Get even more ideas by asking yourself and really feeling in your body how a person with your new belief would behave like and behave in that way consistently.

 

This works amazingly well because of a psychological mechanism called cognitive dissonance.

We can`t have 2 conflicting beliefs at the same time or a behavior that is in conflict with our beliefs, without feeling a lot of discomfort.

We want to reconcile our uncomfortable feelings. If we keep behaving in the new, empowering way consistently, our brain will have no other choice but to change the belief in our mind.

We`ll also be creating and reinforcing new neural pathways that reflect the new, supportive belief while erasing the old pathways.

It takes an average of 66 days to establish a new habit, according to recent research.

Stay consistent and keep the odds stacked in your favor!

 

Our limiting self-esteem beliefs are responsible for almost all of our fear, procrastination and suffering in life. These are about 19 core beliefs that we form in childhood and that we all commonly share.

Beliefs, like “Im not good enough”, “Mistakes and failure are bad” and 17 others that most people have.

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Ive done this program called Natural Confidence myself and my life has completely changed because of it. It will help you permanently eliminate the most harmful and deeply rooted beliefs you`ve got.

DISCLAIMER: If you buy this program, Ill receive a commission. The main reason I`m recommending this program though is because it`s transformed my life. I was so pleased in fact that I got trained to facilitate his belief elimination method and am continuing my education with him.

Click here to permanently get rid of your biggest, baddest limiting beliefs.

 

Please let me know if you`ve got any questions or leave a comment below.

Please subscribe below for automatic updates on my newest video and written content. As an email subscriber you`ll also receive valuable content that`s not available on the blog.

If you are yet to share your thoughts with me below, please leave a comment now!

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Posted in Archives, Beliefs and Meaning, Emotions, Happiness, Popular Favorites, Psychology | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Why We Do What We Do – The Ultimate Guide

6 human needs drivesHave you had one of those moments when you did something and after that you said to yourself “I’m so stupid, why did I do this?”

I certainly have.

At other times you do something and it feels effortless and fulfilling but you don’t really know why you felt that way.

If you are reading this article, you have probably pondered the following questions at some point in your life too.

Why do some people, such as terrorists, find pleasure in killing and torturing others?

And why are others, like firemen, motivated to sacrifice their own lives to save the life of someone else?

This is just one mystery that we are going to uncover in this article.

But maybe you just want to find out something simple. Like why your spouse or children don’t do their share of the chores when it is their turn. Or something similarly common and annoying from your everyday life.

I’ve got good news for you: the answer is simpler than you might think.

Whether the person in question is you, your spouse, your children, firemen, terrorists or anyone else, there are only six reasons why anybody does anything.

And surprisingly, these are also the 6 reasons why you or anyone says anything and even feels anything!

Finally, they even have an impact on what types of thoughts you will think.

That’s quite a handful. I hope you are beginning to think now that it’s time to take these 6 forces seriously.

With the amount of influence they have on your life and on the lives of those who you care about, I encourage you to take this information in fully. This could very well be the most important article you will read today.

So, do people do or say things because they are good or bad? Or because they have self-control or morals? Or because they decide to?

Is there really such a thing as good or bad?

Why do people develop self-control or morals in the first place?

And what shapes our decisions?

 

THE 6 CORE REASONS BEHIND OUR ACTIONS

These 6 primary reasons are the universal human needs. Some people, like Brendon Burchard, call them drives.

In this article I will be using the 6 human needs of Tony Robbins as a basic framework to explain what human needs are.

There are many popular systems of needs, buy Tony’s is the one I’ve found to be the most insightful of all, during my decade long study and application of the human needs.

I absolutely love this subject. Mastering it has given me a lot of compassion, peace, clarity and control in my life.

It’s so easy and convenient to judge other people, and even ourselves, for what they do.

But does it serve anyone? Does it resolve conflict, nurture compassion and mutual understanding?

How about you kick the habit of judging people with the help of the insights you’re going to gain from this article?

With some practice, you’ll have the ability to understand with compassion what drives people and help them get what they truly need. The ability to be a better leader, spouse, friend and parent.

Loking at the underlying human needs instead of trying to decide who is right and wrong has the power to fill your life with compassion, and vice versa. From a strong grounding in compassion itll be easier to stay focused on peoples needs and be an agent of peace.

To create a strong foundation of compassion, I recommend you download my free ebook and do the 2 compassion exercises in it on a regular basis. This will help you internalize what you`re going to read in this article much better and get rid of judging people and creating conflict.

I hope this excites you!

I am certainly excited to share this with you.

So let’s begin!

 

THE NEED FOR CERTAINTY

The first need is the need for Certainty.

We all need to be certain that we will survive, that we can avoid pain and gain some kind of pleasure or comfort, both immediately and on a consistent basis.

Having control over things is one way to meet this need.

Having self-control and morals that ensure we don’t accidentally do or say something that others could judge us for is also a way to meet this need.

A need to be able to trust others falls under this category too. We need to be certain that we can count on them.

If we don’t meet our needs, we are going to feel negative emotions.

Those emotions are our guidance system, hardwired into us by evolution.

This is so that we can recognise what will help us with our survival and reproduction and what won’t. To easily decide what to move towards and what to move away from.

This is the most obvious with the need for certainty. This need helps us avoid pain. Pain means damage and possibly death.

Pleasure can mean both survival and reproduction and that’s why we try to seek it. This is the reason why having sex feels so good.

But we humans have developed more sophisticated ways to gain certainty.

Gaining competence in an area is one such way.

This area has to lead to our increased survival or reproductive chances though, otherwise it won’t fulfil this need.

I have discovered this evolutionary approach to human needs that I believe provides the best understanding. It also makes it easy to tell what makes an activity feel ‘meaningful’ to us.

Gaining competence in a skill that, say, helps a plant species survive that has no impact on our own survival at all, will not feel deeply fulfilling. Certainly not as much as gaining a skill that will help our family thrive. Our family would do anything to ensure that we survive, the plant species won’t.

Unless you are a hermit and have learned to live off the land, you are part of society.

This means that you’ll receive your resources needed for your survival, including money, from other humans.

Our brains are still wired to live and thrive in a tribe of people.

These mean that you’ll experience the greatest fulfillment and strongest positive emotions by meeting your needs through your relationships with other humans.

It’s good to understand what gives us the biggest evolutionary advantages. Then we can easily decide what to do that is the most fulfilling if we often feel confused.

Tribes used to consist of people who lived in a community and who helped each other survive, like a big family.

Today, metaphorically speaking, your tribe can be your family, friends or the people you provide services to as a business owner, for example. Serving these people who can help sustain you will feel the most fulfilling to you.

Of course if you live off the grid, secluded, and you sustain yourself from gardening, then your connection with your plants and animals will be the most fulfilling. This is because instead of other humans, they will help you survive.

Other examples are believing that we can handle any challenge, for men to be leaders and protectors, for women to wait for a genuine pair bond to form first with their partners before getting pregnant, and so on.

A more elegant but difficult way to meet our needs is to learn to listen to our heart.

That’s an arduous and painful process to many of us who’ve been badly hurt in life.

To avoid that pain, most people stay in their heads, and block out their feelings without ever knowing that this is what’s happening.

One way to disconnect from our heart is through overeating. We actually meet our need for certainty by stuffing down our emotions with binge eating. Often we do this unconsciously to feel in control of what we allow ourselves to feel.

Fortunately there are many roads that lead to happiness.

I can’t give you a full list in this article of ways we meet our need for certainty.

Your aim now could simply be to begin to see a pattern of how you could possibly meet your six human needs at the highest level.

I mentioned in the first article of this series that meanings in our heads will only cause us to feel negative emotions if the meaning prevents us from meeting our needs.

Our needs themselves are influenced by both meanings and unconscious beliefs.

For example, if we become homeless and we give it the meaning that this is unsafe, and we’ll get stuck in the streets, our need for certainty won’t be met. We’ll then experience a range of negative emotions.

If, however, we give it the meaning that it’s an exciting challenge to recover from, and then come back stronger than ever, everything changes. We’ll feel anticipation, focus and maybe playfulness too. We’ll feel certain that we’ll turn this into something great.

Limiting beliefs can prevent us from meeting our needs too.

With limiting beliefs, such as “I’m not good enough”, “Mistakes and failure are bad” and “The world is not a safe place”, our need for certainty will consistently be very hard to meet.

Without limiting beliefs, however, it all becomes smooth sailing.

Really, limiting beliefs can only cause us problems in 2 possible ways.

First, if they make us believe that something, that would help with our chances of survival and reproduction, is bad or impossible.

Second, if they make us believe that something that decreases our chances to survive or reproduce, is good and possible.

For example, if we believe that becoming wealthy would make us immoral or evil, like all rich people are, we’d be trapped by the first type of limiting belief.

Then we might believe that raising a huge statue in the town center that`s made out of toxic and radioactive material would make us be celebrated and considered a genius. In this case the second type of belief would be making us be in need of therapy.

Actually, we all have such limiting beliefs as this aspiring mad artist in the example. And we are all slightly mad when we believe that we need to have, do or be something to be happy.

Is it having a relationship, another car, a degree, a bigger house, fame, or our idea of  “enlightenment” that will finally get us there?

Have they already made you happy? Or do you think they will?

The truth is, if you don`t have it right now, you`ll never have it.

These ideas, beliefs and expectations in your head are what are preventing you from feeling safe, connected, free and fulfilled right now.

Our emotional and energetic states will influence our neds too.

Our current emotional state will determine what needs will become active in us and what thoughts we will be thinking.

In ecstatic, playful and adventurous states we tend not to care about our need for certainty that much, for example.

Some more examples to help you meet the need for certainty are: to have money in the bank, to get married, to buy a house, to create rules, to reduce your suffering through meditation or prayer, to gain control over your life using the Law of Attraction, to set your boundaries and to stay true to who you are.

This last one is our ultimate source of certainty: to remain consistent with our own identity and beliefs.

To know who we are is the ultimate anchor point for us in times of uncertainty, which leads us to the next human need.

 

THE NEED FOR UNCERTAINTY/VARIETY

“Are you kidding?” you must be saying now.

“You’re contradicting yourself!”

Not at all.

There’s no left without right. Balance is found between two extremes.

Now imagine that you create an extreme sense of certainty where the same thing keeps happening over and over and over again. And you know it’s never going to change. How would you feel?

Eventually you’d feel so bored you’d want to die!

Our nervous system is designed in a way that we need stimulation, variety, a regular change in our state.

Even balance is a dynamic process, not a static state.

In truth, the more present you are, the more aliveness, the more variety you’ll become aware of in the present moment.

But variety is more than just the spice of life.

Children need a stimulating environment in order to develop into healthy and intelligent individuals. And that again is directed by evolution.

The more children experiment with new objects and ways of manipulating them, the more they will be able to understand how the physical world behaves. In turn, they will be able to manipulate their environment better, thereby increasing their chances of survival.

By gaining competence this way, we also meet our need for certainty and usually for other needs too. We’ll feel more certain that we can handle challenges with our improved skills.

Who said we could only meet one need by doing one thing?

In fact, most of the time we meet multiple needs through one behavior.

Talking of which, the more needs a behavior meets and the higher the level it meets them at, the more addictive and effortless the behavior will be, according to Tony Robbins.

We can meet our need for variety by trying new types of cuisines, going for a walk, reading a new book, talking to a stranger, traveling around the world, doing bungee jumping, robbing the bank or having sex with a new partner without protection.

Reading the last two examples you might have probably noticed that there can be negative ways of meeting our needs too.

We can actually meet our needs in positive, negative and neutral ways.

A positive or empowering way of meeting this need could be by challenging ourselves to reach new heights of achievement.

A neutral one would be trying a new dish or color of hair.

And a negative example is to use drugs.

What positive, negative and neutral ways can you think of for meeting your need for the first need, certainty?

In what ways have you been meeting the first two needs?

 

THE NEED FOR SIGNIFICANCE

Have you met one of those men who were loud, at the center of attention, seemingly not giving a damn about what people think of them, being outrageous and probably bragging a bit as well? And everyone seemed to be totally attracted to them.

You might have felt irritated by his bragging or way of seeking attention. Buy maybe you were just genuinely interested or attracted.

The truth is that this person was trying to meet his need for significance. To be important, needed, valued, special and maybe unique too.

He might have seemed confident, but there was a deep hunger for these things in him and he felt miserable deep inside without noticing it.

All he needed was some appreciation, some connection, a sense that he was worthy, good enough and important.

If you were one of the many people judging him, know that there’s a better way to relate to him. A way that will make you and everyone else more fulfilled. I’ll discuss what it is when I’ll talk about the need for contribution later.

When this need is wanting to be met in us, these are the things we might need: appreciation, respect, recognition, to be given space (autonomy belongs here too), to be valued, needed, unique or special, important, and worthy of connection and love.

The last two will arise from a sense of not being worthy or good enough. Those are unconscious limiting beliefs that most of us have formed in childhood inevitably.

If people complain or mention their achievements or how hard they have worked, they usually are trying to meet their need for significance.

Wanting to be unique comes from the desire for creative self-expression.

Using our unique talents in a creative way, working for something bigger than ourselves while being challenged is an empowering way to meet this need.

Dressing cool or unique is a neutral way of meeting the need for significance. Serving and giving value to others is an empowering way as well as risking our lives to save others. Threatening someone to kill them is a negative approach.

Other examples are: to have tattoos, to disregard society’s norms, to become an expert or authority at something, to have big problems or be in a crisis situation all the time, to help others, to save lives while sacrificing ourselves, to try to always be humble, loving or non-violent, or to be angry, silent or threatening all the time.

CHALLENGE: If you have an idea of how trying to be humble or being silent and reserved could be ways to meet this need, share it in the comments below now, and then come back to the article!

And just to be clear, I’ll ask this question: who’s got the need to feel significant?

The answer is everyone!

We can meet this need in more or less obvious ways. What are yours?

From an evolutionary standpoint, this need is important, because if our tribe treats us as being important, needed, and valued, they will be more likely to support us and give us their love and resources.

The more we feel needed and appreciated somewhere, the more we’ll feel that we belong there.

You probably remember me mentioning that when we have this need, sometimes we want to feel worthy of connection or love.

So can you guess what the fourth human need is?

 

THE NEED FOR CONNECTION AND/OR LOVE

These 6 needs are called human needs for a reason. They are not lizard, amphibian or plant needs. Well, not in this combination anyway.

Love is a need that’s unique to humans and other mammals.

Unlike reptiles, we are helpless when we are born and need the constant love, care and protection of our parents to survive.

To give and receive love is key to the survival of humankind.

But love is a double-edged sword. Love, or rather the withdrawal of it, is what makes us emotionally wounded in childhood. And sometimes later during a relationship break-up too.

When we make mistakes or don’t live up to our parents’ expectations, they withdraw their love from us while they are being annoyed or angry with us.

We form the beliefs that mistakes and failure are bad, that we are not lovable and good enough.

We begin to protect ourselves from opening up to love to avoid the pain of feeling bad, rejected and isolated again.

As a result, most people settle for connection instead of love.

The courageous ones who are willing to open up their hearts again and heal themselves are the ones who end up living the most fulfilling lives.

They will feel worthy and effortlessly connected again to others, even without the use of words.

There will be no more obsessively looking for company when they are alone, or fear of what others would think about them.

There will be no more awkward, uncomfortable silences during a conversation. Maybe for the other person, but not for them.

You can meet your need for connection by talking to someone, by going for a walk in nature, or you can feel connected to your source by meditating or praying.

Even when you are dwelling on your negative thoughts and feelings or if you’re depressed, you’ll be connected to yourself. That form of self-pity is also a form of connection, although a negative one.

A positive way of meeting this need is giving a public speech and a neutral one is walking in nature.

Loving those who matter to us is the most fulfilling. This is usually because they care about us too and we can count on them as well, though this is something we often don’t realise is causing our deeper feelings.

The feeling of love really is an indicator to us that there is a deep level of care between beings who can sustain one another.

We can meet our need for love by making love, by sharing our emotions vulnerably while being heard and accepted, or by serving others without expecting anything in return, for example.

Research has shown that the quality of our lives and our level of happiness are greatly determined by the quality of our relationships.

Practice meeting your need for love with others and loving yourself deeply as well in order to have an extraordinarily fulfilling life.

The needs for certainty, variety, significance, and connection/love are what Tony Robbins calls the 4 psychological needs.

We must meet all these needs in some way but they won’t make us truly fulfilled and happy.

What makes us be vibrantly alive and happy are the 2 spiritual needs, growth and contribution.

 

THE NEED FOR GROWTH

Everything in nature either grows or dies.

Growth is about learning new things, expanding, becoming more on any level, physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually.

We humans have many options available when it comes to growth.

We can learn and become so many more things than, say, a dog could learn or become.

There is an intrinsic joy in the growth process. Making progress towards a meaningful goal feels tremendously rewarding.

If you want to remember one thing about this need, it should be this. If you can make constant, meaningful growth an integral part of your life, it will be completely transformed and filled with excitement.

And by meaningful I still mean something that helps you not just to reproduce and survive, but also thrive.

For example, learning how to preserve a harmful plant species that is on the brink of extinction and that can’t help the chances of your survival, the survival of your planet or of life on the planet in any way, now that’s not meaningful.

But learning a skill that can positively impact your chances of survival or reproduction in a direct or indirect way, that’s what is going to feel meaningful to you.

We are the most excited about our learning, our growth, if deep down we believe it’ll lead to meaningful contribution.

Being yourself that includes growing your unique skills will ensure that you’ll be more needed and valued by people who can sustain you, because of the unique contribution that only you can make.

Being yourself has strong evolutionary benefits and as a result, you’ll be happier.

You’ll feel more happy feelings because your subconscious knows that being you makes you be more fit and able to survive.

We are rewarded for things like this to let us know that we are on the right track as far as life’s agenda is concerned. Which is to reproduce, survive and get our needs met.

The point of me telling you this is not to get you thinking about what you should do to meet your needs and make yourself happy.

This only your heart, your intuition knows.

And I’m not talking about following your emotional impulses here.

It is more like a gentle nudge or a soft but powerful voice that is constantly suppressed by the constant louder thoughts in our mind.

It could be as easy as following your emotional guidance system, your intuitive feelings and pulls.

Without our thoughts, meanings in our heads, our limiting beliefs and expectations interfering with the natural ease of meeting our needs, being happy becomes effortless.

It’s not so simple though in prctice for many of us.

It requires pure consciousness, a pure heart.

A heart that isn’t filled with emotions created by fearful, limiting thinking and expectations.

And that requires hard work.

Either way, it is going to take work and commitment to get your needs met consistently and experience lasting happiness.

But by knowing how to do it, you’ll be way ahead of the game.

And we haven’t even talked about the most important human need yet. It has the power to fulfill all 6 of your needs at a very high level.

You want to make sure you master this one.

 

THE NEED FOR CONTRIBUTION

Marshal B. Rosenberg, the creator of Nonviolent Communication has said that contribution is the most important human need, according to one of his students, Lucy Liu. I don’t know why he said this, but I completely agree with him.

Tony Robbins has said the same thing about growth and contribution.

What is contribution and why is it the most important need?

Great question!

Contribution is giving to something beyond ourselves and sharing with others.

Have you ever felt inclined to share something with others that has made you happy or filled with awe and wonder?

Most children and even adults do. It brings me a lot of joy too.

Sharing our wonderful experiences magnifies them and extends their duration as well.

Laughing together at a great joke until our belly hurts.

Being thrilled by an amazing street performance that we are watching together with our spouse, both clapping excitedly.

Planting a fruit tree in our garden together with our family.

We could do all these things alone.

But would the feeling be just as powerful and easy to create and maintain?

No.

This is just one reason, the tip of the iceberg of why contribution is the number one need. Let’s delve deeper into why it is.

So why is giving so fulfilling?

Or is it?

It might not be if you keep being focused on yourself as you give.

Thinking how “I” am not good enough.

How “I” will be rejected with what I share.

How “I” might be stupid, boring, unimportant or incompetent.

So why bother?

Because these are beliefs and not reality. Because you are only thinking and feeling these while you are focused on yourself instead of the other.

Focusing on giving value to people who appreciate it is the fast track to getting out of your head and stop your negative thoughts and emotions in their tracks.

This is one powerful reason why this need is so powerful.

But there’s more.

 

THE MOST IMPORTANT HUMAN NEED

Would you like to meet all your needs at the same time?

Contribute!

This is how it works.

Imagine there is a group of people you are about to meet.

You are certain they will benefit greatly from your information. It will make their lives and the lives of their children easier.

Are you beginning to feel some excitement?

Now imagine that you know your stuff like the back of your hand. You’re especially talented in this area so this is your unique contribution. It’ll be easy for you to convey your message. Your sense of certainty is up one notch again.

There is some variety involved too. And growth. You have to adapt your message to the already existing knowledge of the people you’ll be helping.

It’ll always be different and it never becomes boring.

By explaining your material from different angles, you’ll master it better yourself. You’ll become the number one student there as others help you learn what you are teaching. Your needs for growth and variety are met at a high level.

You’ll necessarily connect with those you communicate with. The more you care about them, the more you’ll meet your need not just for connection but for love as well. And the more fulfilled you’ll be.

By giving others valuable information, they’ll think of you as someone important, needed and valued.

If you accept this with humility, you’ll be able to meet your need for love and connection as well as for significance.

And all the rest of your needs too at a very high level.

Is this great or great?

 

THE SECRET TO LASTING HAPPINESS

Dedicating your life to meaningful contribution and constant growth makes it true to your subconscious mind that you’re going to easily survive and reproduce. It’s been wired to associate these things with each other.

If your subconscious believes that you are a survival and reproduction machine, this is what your body language and your entire being will convey automatically.

What you’ll be most aware of are your feelings of complete vibrancy, fulfilment and joy.

Strangely, even coincidences will start to appear that support you on your path.

You’ll become more attractive and charismatic.

We become attractive by living in beautiful states that others want to be a part of too. And by meeting your needs at the highest level consistently is how you become and remain attractive and completely fulfilled.

 

This video explains why you need BOTH Growth and Contribution to create an amazing life full of joy, vibrancy and meaning.

The 66 Day Compassion Challenge

I want to be honest with you. Learning this, like anything important in life, takes time and commitment. I dont believe in quick fixes. If you dont either, you`re in the right place.

If you are fed up with being unfulfilled and want to learn how to do this, I invite you to accept this challenge.

During the next week, at least 3 times during the day ask yourself the question:

“What needs and in what way have I been trying to meet in the last few hours?”

Recall the most emotionally intense moments, judgments and conflict situations.

Try to identify the needs the other persons involved were trying to meet as well.

Do this for a whole week. You’ll start to notice that you`re getting the hang of it more and more.

But don`t stop there. I encourage you to extend the entire length of the challenge to 66 days. Research has shown that on average it takes us 66 days to create a new habit that will stay with us.

For now just do it for a week and notice as your ability to spot and identify needs that are trying to be met, increases day by day.

I can`t have a conversation or even watch a movie without constantly being aware of what drives everyone and what I can possibly do to help people meet their needs. You`ll get to experience the same if you continue practicing.

Reward yourself immediately with something small for each successful, compassionate understanding of a situation that you used to judge in the past. Give yourself a high-five, a bite of chocolate, a tap on your own shoulder, a 10 minutes break.

Let me know how it went! Bookmark this article now and come back to leave a comment on your progress!

Don`t forget about me! My feelings may be hurt because they are tender like a rosebud 😉

This is an area I am madly passionate about and I will be sending more content like this to your way soon which you don’t want to miss.

Please let me know if you`ve got any questions or leave a comment below.

Please subscribe below for automatic updates on my newest video and written content. As an email subscriber you`ll also receive valuable content that`s not available on the blog.

If you are yet to share your thoughts with me below, please leave a comment now!

I`d be grateful for it!

 

Posted in Archives, Beliefs and Meaning, Emotions, Happiness, Human Needs, Popular Favorites, Psychology, Relationships, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

How To Control Your Emotions In 4 Easy Steps

How to control your emotionsHow to control your emotions is something we all start asking ourselves very early on in life. We all know how pesky our negative emotions are sometimes and how they make us feel less confident.

Most people start learning in childhood that they need to keep some of their emotions under control. As small children our parents keep telling us that good boys don’t cry and that good girls don’t express their anger. To avoid punishment, humiliation and pain we learn how to control emotions that we don’t want to feel; in other words, how to repress and deny them.

This trend continues at school where our teachers and parents expect us to behave like little adults. They force us to be serious, to put all of our emotions aside and focus on what the teacher says. We usually have little interest in doing that and we try to endure it for 45 minutes. We try to fit in and avoid the pain of rejection and punishment from our teachers, parents and even our classmates. Like every child, you’ll quickly learn how to control your emotions that you believe would cause you pain if you expressed them.

Though you might be an exception, most people reading this article will have found their way here with one goal in mind. Their goal is to improve their skills in pushing their emotions aside at will.

This article is NOT about this kind of control because this control is about emotional repression, based on a fear of judgment, of failure and of rejection. This type of control over our emotions is going to further enslave us rather than set us free.

It will be more helpful to talk about how to have control over what emotions can have a chance to arise within you at all. Or the very least, what emotions can gain a permanent foothold in you. Instead of learning how to be a more repressed but socially acceptable person, you’ll learn how to be freer and happier. And without appearing immature or out of control.

Because this approach is about happiness and freedom, let’s take a look at what defines happiness. According to psychology, our happiness depends on experiencing infrequent negative feelings, frequent positive feelings and high life satisfaction (Diener, 1984). How often we experience positive feelings compared to negative ones weigh the heaviest in the equation.

The clever scientists have again stated what we have known all along: we need to experience more positive emotions in order to feel happy than negative ones. Duh.

The truth is it`s not so simple, but merely knowing this information is a whole different ballgame to actually mastering your emotions (and your life) so that you can enjoy lifelong happiness. And by the way if you are reading this to only learn some interesting information without acting on it, let me quote Bruce Lee so that you can decide to change your mind:

“Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.”

I trust that you are a person of action. This article is my gift to people like you who are fully committed to taking massive action to learn how to control your emotions. If you are one of them, please ponder these questions for a moment. What would it be worth for you to gain mastery over your emotions? To get rid of suffering? Remind yourself of your answers whenever you need to keep yourself on track.

What prevents you from creating lasting happiness in your life is that they you the wrong idea about what creates your negative emotions. Even if you know this little-known secret, you still don`t know how to control your emotions and your mind because of a lack of experience and a proven system.

What is your idea about the immediate cause of your negative emotions?
Is it other people? Events? Making mistakes, or facing the unknown? For most people these are among their answers and they try to control or avoid each and every one of these.

You might be surprised, but actually none of the above causes your emotions. I will tell you what really does in a moment, but let me ask you something first.

 

Imagine…

Imagine that it’s your wedding day and you’re getting married outside. There’s torrential rain on your wedding day and having nowhere to hide you get completely soaked, feeling wet and cold with your hair and clothes sticking to your body, hardly able to see anything. How do you feel? Horrible, don’t you?

Now imagine that if it rains on your wedding day, in the culture you grew up in this means lifelong happiness and abundance for the couple. How do you feel now? You are probably feeling over the top, celebrating.

Now imagine that you are sitting on your bed preparing to go to sleep and you are watching through the window as it starts to rain outside. How do you feel now? You’re likely not feeling anything about the rain now.

Finally imagine that you are a farmer and it hasn’t rained for many weeks. All your crops are dying and the future seems bleak. Then you notice it has started to rain. How do you feel now? You’re probably feeling excited and grateful for it.

 

All roads lead to Rome

Did you notice that the difference between these people experiencing different emotions about the same rain was the meaning they gave to it in their head?

Some gave it the meaning that “I`m going to get cold and I won`t look good”. Others thought “How wonderful, we are truly blessed! Let`s celebrate”. The farmer gave the rain the meaning that he`ll be able to provide for his family and they can survive. Sometimes we don`t give meaning to events if we think it won`t affect how our needs can be met. We`ll then be able to simply observe the event.

Meanings cause emotions. Not other people, events, gains or losses, words or actions, pain or pleasure.

For example, let’s take this very obvious and fundamental one: pain and pleasure. You might be saying now, “Of course pain and pleasure create emotions, are you kidding me?”

Well, when they do create positive or negative emotions, it’s because of the conscious or subconscious meaning in our mind that is telling us that we can survive (in the case of pleasure) or that we can’t (feeling pain a.k.a. receiving damage).

Take people who enjoy feeling pain for example. They might gain sexual pleasure from it because they have a meaning in their head that allows them to do so. Or they might think that if it hurts, it means that their exercise is working. Or if they study or work painfully hard, they might believe it builds character or more commonly, that by enduring this pain it will make them better persons worthy of attention, love or other rewards.

Most people would avoid consistent pain because it means consistent damage and eventually death. Unless they have a different meaning in their heads about it. Controlling the meaning in your head is how to control your emotions.

Two young women, customers at my current day job have asked me recently: “My friend’s boyfriend hasn’t texted her back for an hour. Do you think she should be worried or be mad at him”?

My answer was: “His phone’s battery might be dead. Or his phone might be put on silent or is switched off. Or maybe he’s dropped or lost his phone. There could be an infinite number of reasons why he hasn’t answered. Your friend’s emotions are created by the meanings she gives to him not texting her back. Meanings like he doesn’t care, he is cheating on her or wants to leave her. She needs to realise these are not reality, just some arbitrary meanings in her head that trigger those emotions. To learn how to control her emotions, she needs to take a step back mentally. Then take a few slow, deep breaths and start finding 5 or 6 alternative interpretations to why he hasn’t texted her back yet. Her negative emotions will be gone and her relationship with him will improve”.

Our partners/friends not answering our texts or calls are very common themes that can trigger our reactions through the meanings we give to these situations. These are great practice in learning how to control your emotions.

We also have underlying limiting beliefs that generate these meanings. Beliefs, like “Men/women cannot be trusted”, “Relationships don’t work”, “I am not worthy”, “I am not lovable”, “I am not important”.

Can you see that all roads lead to Rome? In this case they lead to the beliefs and meanings in your head that create your emotions moment to moment. In this article you’re only going to learn how to become conscious and get rid of the meanings that are the direct precursors of your emotions. I’ll discuss in later articles how to get rid of limiting beliefs.

 

Looking at your own life

If you still need to understand how this works, think of the last time you were afraid, angry or sad. What was the meaning in your head that you gave to what was happening, just before the emotion appeared? To understand this, pause for a moment now and take your time until you really have found that meaning. This is a light bulb moment for many people who want to learn how to control emotions.

Maybe you thought that someone didn’t care. Or didn’t respect you. Or that you were not in control and couldn’t get what you wanted. Or your survival was in danger. Whatever it was, can you see it now that this meaning in your head has created your emotion and lack of confidence and not the event itself?

 

You might still be attached to the idea that it was the event that caused your emotion. This is because the meaning we give to it almost always appears to be a built-in, organic part of the event and it feels real to us. Beliefs and meanings filter our experience of reality so that we feel a distorted version of it. Like contact lenses, we can’t directly see them while we are absorbed in experiencing reality. Often they are tricky to even get out so that we can begin to have a closer look at them from a little distance.

 

Events have no inherent meaning

You see, an event can mean anything. It could have an unlimited number of positive or negative meanings. It is our mind that will come up with a completely arbitrary one in the moment and attach it to otherwise completely meaningless events. Because events have no inherent meaning.

This is important so I’ll repeat this. Events have no inherent meaning.

“Wait, how come they don’t have any inherent meaning?” “They must have some meaning!”

No, they really don’t.

Remember the example we started with? There was no inherent meaning in the rainy weather. Based on what we need in the moment, our minds will give it a meaning that will have nothing to do with the true nature of the event, which is being devoid of all meaning.

10 different people of various ages and gender, from completely different backgrounds will come up with vastly different arbitrary meanings for the same event. Imagine these people watching the event that you thought was the cause of your emotion. Listen to the different meanings each will give to your event. This proves that there is no inherent meaning in any event; we give those arbitrary meanings to events that will in turn determine how we feel about them.

 

How to control your emotions

So the next time you react to something and want to feel happy and confident, remember that you are creating your feelings with the meanings that are running through your mind on autopilot and often below your current level of awareness so that you are only aware of your emotion or energetic state and think that`s the be all and end all.

“So how can I control my emotions? These meanings in our heads usually go under the radar and even if I can notice them, what can I do to be confident? Shall I fight against them?”

If you’ve tried fighting against your thoughts you’ve probably realised it was an uphill battle and the thoughts only came back stronger along with the negative emotions they created. This lowered your self-confidence too. Sometimes you distract yourself from these negative emotions with food, drugs, alcohol, sex or doing something extreme. You certainly realise now that this is not the way to find happiness, gain natural confidence and is not how to control your emotions.

A very useful way to take the fang of the negative meanings out is to first identify and then detach them from the pure event. Events have naturally got unlimited potential, including the positive ones and giving them meanings will limit your ability to respond to them in an optimal way.

The good news is that this process can be done playfully and it can become a habit too, so you can automatically notice and dissolve negative meanings as they arise.

This is a lot like mindfulness practice and it will reinforce neural pathways in your brain that will make you more aware of what’s going on in your mind. You`ll even be able to distance yourself from those negative thoughts and meanings with committed practice, just like people who regularly meditate are able to. The difference is that this will be effective even when you are just starting out and gives you similar overall benefits. You`ll also gain more wisdom and understanding of how your thoughts are creating your emotions right from the beginning. Becoming rooted in mindfulness will help you eliminate most limiting self-esteem beliefs automatically because this creates a new context in the brain for those beliefs.

 

Are You An Empath?

There are a number of usually spiritual people who will read this post who consider themselves an ’empath’. Empaths take on people’s feelings and often they are helpless to this happening.

Because of weaker personal boundaries and an identity that was not formed healthily in childhood the quality of the energetic states of empaths are more subject to the environment and the people around them.

Having little control over their own states, the frequent pain, powerlessness and frustration will get them stuck in identifying with their current feelings and energetic states. Because energies feel more permanent than the physical body, identifying with energies is an answer to their unconscious existential fears that we all have. It gives them a sense of certainty as they failed to adequately form a strong and healthy identity early on in life.

Identifying with energies and making them more real than other contents of our experience will push those other contents into the subconscious, including what is causing those energetic states. This getting lost in and being identified with their subtle energies prevent them from becoming aware that their beliefs and meaning in their heads create their feelings, emotions and energetic qualities. Because they focus on feeling these energies and treating them as the foundation and root cause of reality, they lose touch with the real causal level: their beliefs and meanings.

They won’t realise either that what they think they are is just a phenomenon in pure consciousness. Their belief systems and spiritual egos are constantly controlling their states subconsciously.

This identity will justify itself by keeping the forces that influence it hidden and by filtering the person’s perception of reality.

Because of their resistance to most things I will talk about, these people won’t be able to benefit from this website much except for learning to understand and identify human needs and how to change their state in an instant. This site is going to challenge their identity too. It is important to me to be upfront about this in the starting article to avoid wasting their time if they are not open to what I am going to share with them. This wasted investment of time and energy would make letting go of this site more painful.

If you are one of them and haven’t clicked away yet, congratulations! You are likely ready to shift your limiting identity and the beliefs attached to it that have created your powerlessness. You can benefit greatly from following these 8 steps below.

 

Overview: The 66 day Emotional Mastery Challenge

To make this a part of your life, this is what I’d like to invite you to do for the next 66 days. There are less than 100 days left before we step into the New Year and I’d like you to start the New Year strong. The perfect time to create any positive change is always now.

This powerful 6 (actually only 4) step challenge was inspired by Morty Lefkoe`s process. You’ll be increasing your ability to immediately become aware of the negative meanings in your mind and eliminate them before they can put you in a negative state. You will be free of negative emotions and suffering. You will also become aware of more opportunities and have the ability to act on them without procrastination and realise your full potential. You will be more happy and confident.

For the next 66 days, you are going to set up an alarm on your phone for every hour of your waking day to stop and reflect on what negative emotion you experienced in the last hour and what meaning you gave to what was happening that caused the emotion. Really come to a complete stop, take a few slow and deep breaths, relax as much as you can and listen to your inner world until you get in touch with the meaning.

Especially when you are just starting out, it can take some time to find the gold, so keep digging diligently. Forming habits can be challenging in the beginning so make a decision now that you will approach it with playfulness and curiosity to make it easier and more fun. See if you can find what excites you in this game of exploration and you might soon find that it has become almost effortless.

If you find it difficult to focus or make progress and become frustrated about it, notice that you’ve given this a meaning. Something, like: “I can’t do this”; “It’s going to take forever”; “This is not working for me”; “Mindfulness practices are not for my personality” etc. Notice that these are meanings in your head and not reality. These are your limiting beliefs and identity limiting you and holding you back from success and happiness. These will distort the reality you experience and you can`t trust your results either. Your results are the reflections of your beliefs.

Very often we can`t imagine ourselves making dramatic changes like doing this exercise 14 times from the very first day. If you find that this is true for you, start by doing it only once, with one alarm for one hour only on the first day and increase it by one more alarm every day until you reach the daily 14 hourly goal.

We hold on to our own identity and the beliefs that form it, more than to anything else. Trying to improve quickly is a trick of the mind to set you up for failure so that you can beat yourself up and reinforce some limiting beliefs that you might have, like you can’t achieve what you want, you are not capable or worthy, or you are a failure. Being aware of the tricks your mind plays on you to prevent you from changing is very important. To set yourself up for success and prevent your mind from playing this cruel trick on you, you must make all changes in baby steps!

If the frustration persists, let go of any effort and resentment, give yourself compassion and congratulate yourself for actually taking action. Then go back to what you were doing before and give it your best shot again an hour later. And then another and another and another hour later. Focus on how this game of exploration feels fun and interesting to you and acknowledge any improvement. Stick to it and you’ll eventually notice that you’ve become better at this game. You’ll feel empowered, excited and liberated as you realise that you have more control over your emotions and thoughts.

When you make a clear distinction between the meaning and the actual event, you’ll see the event in its unadulterated state. Without the meaning and the emotion you are finally free to deal with it in any way you want with peace of mind, clarity and remaining open to all possibilities.

Part of this process is to install a new empowering belief, “Everything that happens to me is there to support and guide me”.

Imagine how often you’d get upset about something seemingly negative happening to you when you have this belief. Every event happening to you will be another reason to trust Life/Reality/God/The Universe (or whatever your preference is) and be grateful for being supported, guided and being taught a valuable lesson that will make you a stronger, wiser or more loving person.

Just think about it. You don’t have to consciously think about breathing and making your vital life functions work. You don’t have to worry about having enough oxygen, a low enough level of cosmic radiation, water or the right temperature for your body to survive. You have plenty of mating partners on the planet and affordable food is in abundance around you too. It is easy to find shelter from the elements. You can truly and deeply relax into trusting life. This reality that you were born into was designed to support you with your survival and your reproduction and you were designed to thrive in it. Life wants you to thrive and you are fully supported. Make this truth powerfully alive and true within yourself by consciously focusing on it and reinforcing it many times every day, creating a sense of gratitude within you for it.

How can an event guide and teach us is something you might be wondering about too. It surely has happened to you at some point in your life that something that you thought was a bad thing that happened to you much later turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Like breaking up with your partner who wasn’t really the right one for you, but you only realised that when you met a new partner who was a much better match for you. Or maybe you had to move places and the new house or area ended up being a lot better than the old one was. Or you’ve lost a friendship because you realised that your friend was not honest with you or betrayed you but later you’ve found many more friends worthy of your trust.

I’ve noticed that on a psychological level life will help us let go of the old that doesn’t serve or fulfil us anymore so that we can embrace what’s coming, that’s better for us and helps us grow as a person. If for no other reason, challenging events serve us by helping us to become wiser and more adaptable which means being more confident in our ability to handle any situation and learn from it. Understanding this will help you make the decision to adopt the empowering belief, “Everything that happens to me is there to support and guide me”.

 

Your 6 (4) easy steps to control your emotions

Follow this easy step-by-step formula to transform your life in 66 days. Make sure you are doing these now as you are reading this! You’ll only need to do 4 simple steps (steps 2 to 5) repeatedly every day and you’ll only do the first and last steps when you start.

  1. Set up an alarm now on your phone for every hour that you are awake for at least the next 66 days. By far the best way to do this is by using the free Habit Bull app for iOS or Android. Watch this video for instructions. You only have to do this step once but if you don’t do it, you’ll most likely fail. If you are still reading this you’ve likely suffered a lot. Demonstrate to yourself that you truly care about your future self’s level of happiness. Do this step now!
  2. Whenever the alarm goes off, stop what you are doing and mindfully reflect on what negative emotion you’ve felt in the last hour. Taking a few slow, deep breaths and finding a quiet area can help in the beginning, but are not necessary.
  3. Find the meaning that was in your head that created this emotion just before you felt it. Notice that this was only a meaning, not reality and not part of what was happening. The meaning you made up was in your mind, the event was outside, waiting for you to embrace it without interpretations.
  4. If you still have trouble realising the meaning in your head was just one possible interpretation and not reality, do the following. Imagine 10 completely different people of different age, gender, profession and social status watching the video recording of that event. Listen to each person giving their own completely different meaning to the event. This will help you realise that your meaning was just one of many possible interpretations instead of The Truth and then your emotion will be gone.
  5. Now’s a good time to install the new empowering belief in your mind, “Everything that happens to me is there to support and guide me”. Choose to really believe this and feel the truth of it in your body powerfully and then create a feeling of gratitude within you too. Trust with gratitude that you’ll soon understand how this event was meant to support, guide and teach you.
  6. Make a public commitment on social media or to your friends and family in person that you’ll complete this challenge and ask them to hold you accountable for following through. This will put pressure on you and pressure creates diamonds. You only have to do this once.

Click here to quickly set up Habit Bull to help you learn how to control emotions.

 

Use the power of the `investment mindset`

This is an extra, powerful way of leverage you can create to make sure you follow through and create a habit of mastering your emotions. This is totally optional however.

You might have noticed that when you buy a ticket for an event that you don`t really feel like going to when the day comes, maybe because the weather is not good or for some other reason, you`ll often push yourself to go to the event just because you`ve paid for it and you don`t want that investment to go to waste. The more you`ve paid, the more inclined you will be to go. Or to complete a course if that`s what you`ve paid for. With a free event there`s no such pressure on you.

This article is completely free and therefore lacks this extra punch to keep you on track that the same article, if presented as a paid “66 days course in emotional mastery, worth £97”, would be able to give you. You are financially invested in actually doing the course and this is called the “Investment mindset”.

On top of that, we usually perceive free things as lacking in value, even if they are powerful and life changing, like this one here. And this wiring of our brains can prevent us from taking the program seriously and from succeeding.

However, there is a way you can to take advantage of the investment mindset now by donating through this link in exchange for the value you think this article can bring to your life. I`ve had this donation method set up on my site from the beginning anyway and because it can help you be more likely to succeed, you could as well help yourself to using it while supporting my work at the same time. You can support my work here:


If you still haven’t set up your alarm, please do it now and tell me about your progress in the comments below. If you’ve found this useful, please let me know by hitting the like button and sharing this article with your friends so that they can transform their lives too.

 

I’m wishing you all the peace, bliss and freedom that are your birthrights.

 

To your Emotional Mastery and Confidence,

Attila

 

P.S.:

This is the first article in a 10 part series.

The next one in the series will be titled “Why We Do What We Do – The Ultimate Guide”.

Please let me know if you`ve got any questions or leave a comment below.

Please subscribe below for automatic updates on my newest video and written content. As an email subscriber you`ll also receive valuable content that`s not available on the blog.

If you are yet to share your thoughts with me below, please leave a comment now!

I`d be grateful for it!

 

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