So you`ve read my how limiting beliefs affect our perception article and now you want to know how to overcome limiting beliefs in your family? Good!
Even if you haven`t read that article, keep reading, because in a minute I`m going to uncover again how limiting beliefs disempower us.
But first, let me tell you an inconvenient truth. Overcoming limiting beliefs is a losing battle for most people.
This is because most people stuck in their busy lives form new limiting beliefs at a faster rate than they eliminate the old ones. Unless they`re committed to getting rid of them in a proven and effective way, that is.
Then why not bring their relentless onslaught to a halt first, cutting off their supply?
So that you can deal effectively with the army of limiting beliefs that`s already wreaking havoc behind your gates?
And by this, I mean preventing new limiting beliefs from forming while you`ve got more breathing space to overcome limiting beliefs within you and in your family.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Like anyone else, you`ve probably already formed a number of limiting self-esteem beliefs in your childhood. The damage has already been done. But don`t worry. I`ll show you how you can reverse it and turn yourself into a mighty belief whisperer.
There are those around you though whose minds are still a relatively empty slate. Your children, grandchildren, students, nephews, nieces, the children you might meet on your walks.
Any child whose life you can possibly touch and become their hero. Their wise Master Yoda.
Strong with them, the Force will be. Defeat the dark side, together, you will.
How Limiting Beliefs Disempower Our Children
Imagine two small children, Sarah and Katie.
Sarah has formed the beliefs, “I`m not good enough”, “I`m not important”, “I`m not worthy”, “If I make a mistake or fail, I`ll be rejected”, “I`m not capable”, “Men are violent”, “What I want and need don`t matter”.
Katie, however, has formed these beliefs: “I`m good enough”, “I matter” “I`m deserving”, “If I make a mistake or fail, I know I`m learning and improving”, “I`m capable”, “Men can be trusted”, “What I want and need are important”.
Now imagine these children standing in front of you. Do you notice any difference in the way they stand? The way they look at you? The way they talk? Sure you do!
Katie will hold her head high, feet wide apart, hands on her hips, smiling while looking into your eyes and talking with a loud voice.
Sarah will stand with ankles tightly crossed, arms tight at the sides, shoulders hunched, breathing shallowly, looking at her feet while muttering something you can`t really understand.
Now let`s test them in a couple of different scenarios. Imagine how each of the girls will behave.
In sixth grade, they have to give a presentation in front of the entire classroom. Which one of them is ready for the challenge and which girl wants to hide behind her chair, shaking, and getting pale?
Who is more likely to step up against bullies, or ask for help? Who is more likely to be bullied in the first place because they show weakness?
In college, who`s going to be more susceptible to bad influence from their peers? Who is more likely to end up in a gang, using drugs, and committing crimes?
Later in life, at the workplace, who will go for the promotion?
Who will become a role model and make a positive contribution to the lives of others around them?
Who is going to enjoy social interactions more?
Which girl will end up being in a more fulfilling relationship?
And who will be likely to neglect her health more, stuff down her emotions by binge eating? Who is more likely to get fat, bitter, lonely and miserable?
Now think of the small children in your own life. Imagine how their lives would be different from Sarah`s if they never formed beliefs that she and most children do.
Beliefs, like “I`m not good enough”. “I`m not important”. “Mistakes are bad”, and many others.
Imagine what would be possible for them without limiting beliefs like these holding them back. If they didn’t have to deal with self-defeating thoughts, fear of what others think of them, being afraid of failure and the unknown.
Because you’ve managed to overcome limiting beliefs in your family and in the children whose lives you`ve touched.
You can make it so that they almost never form these beliefs and experience these painful challenges and crippling limitations that you and most other people today have. And you yourself can stop forming new limiting beliefs while you also commit to unlearning your existing ones.
Let`s see first what the enemy we are dealing with, looks like; how we form limiting beliefs.
Then we can think of ways to stop limiting beliefs from forming so we can help create freedom for our children and ourselves.
The Anatomy Of A Monster
John was 4 years old, and he was just like any other kid. He enjoyed playing and exploring the world more than anything else. He wanted to do those things all day long.
“Johnny!!! The dinner`s getting cold! How many times do I have to ask you to come?” John heard his mother screaming.
“I want to continue playing, but she`s angry with me now” he thought as he began feeling the butterflies in his stomach.
“Maybe if I pretend I didn`t hear her and keep playing just a bit longer…” he thought.
“John!!! What`s wrong with you? Can`t you ever do what I say?!”
John knew that he was in trouble and he started sweating. “What`s going to happen when I go to see her? Is she going to punish me, or worse?…”
It`s happened countless times before. Day after day, after day, in fact. She would become cold towards him and then he`d feel alone, unloved and just horrible.
He kind of got used to it by now. He expected now to be criticized and rejected all the time. In the back of his mind, there was this constant lingering feeling now that he was just not good enough.
He didn`t begin his life this way though. But he didn`t even remember feeling any different anymore.
This feeling of not being good enough kept following him everywhere, like a shadow. Wherever he looked, he could see and feel that he was not good enough.
John`s mom and dad were often critical of him. Whenever Johnny didn`t do what they wanted him to do, when and how they wanted him to do it, they felt annoyed or upset.
They rarely, if ever hit Johnny. By being irritated, they withdrew their love from him, but that was more than enough. In fact, it felt as harsh as the hardest beating to his young soul.
Love is a fundamental human need. Without our parents giving us their love, we wouldn’t be able to survive as children. Parents are either loving or annoyed, but can’t be both. So during those eternally long moments of being rejected the little Johnny would be literally just as scared as if he was going to die.
His other needs were not met either. He suddenly lost his sense of certainty that he could survive. His parents didn`t care about what he wanted: his need for significance was not met either. He wanted to grow, and experience variety, instead of the boring routine of eating his dinner, or whatever their parents expected from him at the time, unreasonably.
I`m saying unreasonably because most parents haven`t studied developmental psychology and effective parenting skills. They certainly never thought about how to overcome limiting beliefs in their family. They believe their children should behave like little adults, by being quiet, neat, and tidy, that they are developmentally incapable of doing. They think their children should know that the milk goes sour if you leave it outside and that they should learn this fact immediately.
Children are incapable of behaving according to most parents` expectations, and the parents, in turn, will get annoyed, upset or angry. They will often leave their child`s needs unmet.
All of these unmet needs have consequences. John was experiencing a range of painful negative emotions, from fear to sadness, frustration, and anger as a result.
Like all children, John was constantly trying to understand why things in his world were happening. Especially such painful and frightening events that kept happening day after day.
Eventually, he figured, “If my parents keep criticizing me, I guess I`m not good enough”. “And if I`ve always got so much trouble getting their attention, I guess I`m not important.”
He loved and respected his parents. They gave life to him, they seemed to know everything about the world and they were powerful. They were like gods to him.
His life depended on them, so they mustn`t have been wrong, mistaken or crazy. Not, if he wanted to believe with every fiber of his being, that he was safe with them and that he could continue staying alive.
And he deeply, and fundamentally wanted all of these.
Like all children of his age, he lived in an egocentric worldview, convinced that everything was about him in the world. He had no other choice than to take everything personally.
So the one who was wrong could only be him, and not his parents.
Feeling that he is somehow not good, competent or important enough didn`t threaten him with as much certainty of death as being left at the mercy of two confused, ignorant fools who didn`t know what they were doing. In his innocent, naïve unconscious mind, this was how it occurred to him. And thus he formed his first limiting self-esteem belief.
How Do Our Children Form Beliefs Based On What We Do?
Have you, or a parent you know, ever been on the phone when their child ran up to them and said something like: “You must come and see the rose I`ve just folded from paper!” – just to get the response, “Not now, can`t you see I`m on the phone?”
The child would lose their excitement and walk away disappointed and sad.
When we don`t express to them that they are just as important to us as a phone call with someone else, they feel insignificant, not wanted and needed.
If this keeps happening, what beliefs do you think they will eventually form about themselves?
Most likely, they`ll start to believe “I`m not important”. Soon they will expect to be treated this way and their natural confidence and excitement to share their accomplishments will be gone.
If we keep shouting at and punishing our children when they don`t come to the dinner table and the food gets cold, they will become afraid of disappointing people.
What beliefs will they form eventually if we constantly express our annoyance when they don`t do the things we want them to do when we want them to do?
“I`m not good enough.” “Nothing I do is ever good enough.” “What makes me good enough or important is having people think well of me.”
Now would be a great opportunity to put what you`ve learned here about human needs into practice.
In the first example, can you guess what need of the child was not being met, primarily?
I`ve heard you saying the need for significance, right? Good.
She didn`t feel needed, valued, important. When our needs are not being met is when we feel painful emotions, and form limiting beliefs. So watch out for your child`s unmet needs that your behavior may cause and be prepared to meet them.
The more often you can catch this, the more often you can prevent your child from forming a limiting belief. The more successfully you`ll gradually overcome limiting beliefs in your family.
The good news is that beliefs almost never form after one painful event, except if it the event is severely traumatic, such as when someone gets killed or mutilated.
Which gives you more freedom to let a couple of these occasions slip if you manage to keep the majority of your interactions with your child filled with care, respect, compassion, awareness, and dignity.
If you’ve read my article about human needs, you remember that the master key to fulfilling all needs at a high level is to always focus on meeting our need for contribution first and foremost.
What I`m going to share with you now is a powerful and elegant shortcut to empowering your children and bypassing their limiting beliefs.
After they have grown up, your children can’t expect others to meet their needs, like their parents used to meet them. Yet, this expectation remains with almost all of us, at least during times of stress and uncertainty. This is what`s going to trigger the unstoppable stream of our negative thoughts and limiting beliefs.
To help our children avoid falling into this trap, we must create a mindset of contribution in them. We must empower them to pursue their talents and passions and to find a way to serve others with them.
Because when we are in the mode of unconditional giving, we ca’t be in the same dependent, stressful, childlike state where we are afraid of people judging and rejecting us and withdrawing from us. That’s what our parents used to do and what we are still afraid of, but ONLY if we remain in that dependent mode, expecting others to consider, to love, to respect and appreciate us.
The unconditionally giving adult state repels limiting beliefs, because it’s the opposite of the dependent childlike state in which the limiting beliefs were originally formed.
Have you noticed that your limiting beliefs don’t get triggered all the time? This is because the context in which they were formed and the limiting beliefs themselves are inseparable. They can only be triggered together.
So pull the damn carpet out from under them by focusing on contribution! And when you’re already living and breathing it, only can you teach your children how to free themselves too by the time they grow up. Because they will learn from what you do and not from what you say.
Are You Willing To Pay The Price?
“You can’t make your kids do anything. All you can do is make them wish they had. And then, they will make you wish you hadn’t made them wish they had.”
― Marshall B. Rosenberg
You take the time to patiently explain, to ask about their wants, and desires, to respect and acknowledge their feelings and needs, and you give them options. You consciously and diligently practice noticing when you violate these and learn about how to become more fulfilled in your interactions with others as well.
In our example with the telephone, the following is one way to prevent your child from feeling insignificant and forming the belief “I`m not important”.
When she runs up to you and requires your attention, you recognize this pattern, and immediately make it a priority to meet your child`s need for significance while also making sure that you respect the needs of everyone else involved.
You might also want to nurture the trust and connection that`s already there between you and the person on the other side of the line. Therefore you won`t just start talking to your child without first letting the person know that you need to stop talking with him for a moment.
As you are attempting this for the first time, you will probably notice negative thoughts, meanings popping into your head.
Thoughts, like “I`m going to mess it up”, “They`re going to judge me and get mad at me” or “This little idiot should learn where her place is”.
These are meanings we give to what`s going on and they cause negative emotions. They will prevent us from staying present with a loving intention of empowering everyone in the situation.
If you find that this is a problem for you, head over to this article that teaches you how to get rid of these negative meanings and emotions. After completing the challenge there, you`ll be better able to observe everything without distortions and impulsive reactions.
The following is Shelly Lefkoe`s advice for the situation with the telephone, from her book The Guide To Effective Parenting. It can be as simple as saying, “Could you hold it for a minute?” – while you cover the mouthpiece and look directly at your child and say:
“I`m really sorry I can`t listen to you right now because I know that`s important to you, but I`ll real soon”, to meet her need for significance and for certainty too, that she can count on you. Then you promise her that you`re going to talk to her right after you`ve finished talking on the phone. Make sure you keep your word.
Shelly says that your child might still be disappointed, but she will never conclude that she`s not important. If you keep your word, she`ll likely conclude the opposite: “I`m important”, “What I have to say is important”, “People can be trusted”.
Shelly is the wife of the late Morty Lefkoe, who was the foremost expert at eliminating limiting beliefs (he still is). She wrote an ebook that describes in great detail how we can prevent our children from forming limiting beliefs. I believe if every single person on the planet read that ebook and put its teachings into practice, we would soon create heaven on earth. That`s why I`m going to put the link to purchase the ebook here (Disclaimer: NOT an affiliate link, I`m not getting compensated for this).
If raising children who are free from conditionings and limitations, so that they can be happy and fulfill their full potential, is important to you, you owe them and yourself to buy the book right now (for a measly $5.95).
I hope you`re not into quick fixes because then this article is not for you. You can`t learn these extremely valuable skills overnight. The price of admission is consistent, committed, lifelong practice and gratitude for every hard-earned improvement in your life, in your relationships.
Change Is NOT Always Difficult And Slow Though
If you want to be able to become more present with your children without reacting to them with annoyance, there`s an easy and permanent solution that I`ve tested myself and I`m grateful to be able to present to you now.
I`m talking about Morty Lefkoe`s Natural Confidence course.
During his 30 years of working with over 10.000 clients, Morty identified all the commonly shared limiting self-esteem beliefs. These are the beliefs that are behind almost all negative emotions we experience, including the ones that get triggered around our children and cause so much damage.
These beliefs also cause our fear of what others will think of us, our fear of speaking in public, us trying to please people, procrastinating, even overeating, and more.
I`ve done his course and easily let go of the 19 limiting self-esteem beliefs and 4 conditionings in it. It`s made me more confident, and I`ve stopped worrying about what people think of me. If you saw my first YouTube video I recorded a week ago, you can see that I am pretty confident speaking in front of the camera too. Mind you, I didn`t use to be like this at all and this change is a large part due to me taking his course.
Considering that I`ve got less than an hour of public speaking experience giving one minute long improvised speeches at Toastmasters public speaking events, and also struggling with social anxiety for decades, this is rock solid proof of how effective his method is.
But don`t just take my word for it, because 2 independent research studies at the University of Arizona have proven that the Lefkoe Method is effective at getting rid of beliefs. No other such program I know can say the same thing.
Other experts, such as Jack Canfield, Marci Shimoff, Paul Scheele, Joe Vitale, Steve Pavlina, and other huge names in the personal development industry have transformed their lives with the Lefkoe Method too.
I want every single person on this planet to go through this course and become free of limitations, and that`s why I`m including an affiliate link to his course in this article. His course has worked for me wonderfully, it has worked for over 10.000 people, and it has even helped these experts who are already 10/10 on the personal development scale. They`ve all left amazing testimonials for Morty as you`ll see.
Morty even gives a 1 entire year of money-back guarantee so you`ve got nothing to lose. The method works for everyone, but there’s the odd person who doesn’t follow the instructions or misunderstands them and then it doesn`t work for them. A small percentage of the comments under his course are clear signs of this, and frankly, anyone could make such mistakes. You, however, will be protected from them by the 1-year guarantee AND by my special gift to you.
The method works for everyone, but there’s the odd person who doesn’t follow the instructions or misunderstands them and then it doesn`t work for them. A small percentage of the comments under his course are clear signs of this, and frankly, anyone could make such mistakes. You, however, will be protected from them by the 1-year guarantee AND by my special gift to you.
I was so impressed that I decided to train with Morty to be able to facilitate his belief-elimination process for anyone who decides to go through it. And now I`ve got a special gift for you if you decide to buy his course through my affiliate link below.
Upon sending me your receipt of purchase, I`ll offer you one hour of free facilitation over Skype. I will help you through any obstacles you might face during the process and help you apply his method more effectively later. This offer is extremely limited and I`m going to close the doors to it at any moment.
You can get the whole program and an entire year of money-back guarantee now for as little as 3 easy payments of $70. Plus my one hour of free personal coaching that covers the entire cost of your course in value.
Yes, It`s all sorted for you, I`ve covered all of your bases so you can safely create a powerful, lasting transformation in your life and the lives of your family members.
Are you ready for this exciting journey of recreating your life?
If you said yes, I look forward to working with you in person to help you set yourself free.
Have you ever said, “If only…”
If only I were smarter…
If only I had more education…
If only I’d worked harder when I was younger…
If only I was more good-looking…
If only I hadn’t passed up so many opportunities…
If only I… (you fill in the blank)
…then I’d be more successful.
Of course, deep down inside you know these are just excuses. Your limiting beliefs are creating them. These thoughts are NOT who you really are.
When you are willing to give up your “if onlys” and really live, be lovingly present with your children and those that matter to you, and make a real difference in their lives, click the link below to reserve your access to Natural Confidence.